How to achieve work-life balance as an international parent

One of the reasons for our relocation to Germany was our desire for more balance in our lives. As our family grew, and two sweet kids were born, I found myself constantly reshaping my priorities and schedule. That kept getting more and more difficult as I went back to work, tried to re-establish my business after a very long time off, and with the challenges that life kept throwing at us. I have been working a lot on my own personal growth lately, digging deep and attempting to reshape whatever it is that feels slightly off. Therefore I’m very happy that 

, is here, to share her thoughts, outlook and practical tips on finding work-life balance as a parent in general, and an international mother in Germany in particular. Take it away, Gitanjali!

This is what I think about when I look at my life as a mother.

Remember the time when you didn’t have children? You probably thought you have so much free time. And now that you have kids and think back on that time, you probably think you had soooooo much free time when you didn’t have kids!

When people talk about work-life balance, they often think about their jobs and their kids. Self-care then becomes a luxury or “nice to have” or isn’t even a consideration. While you are taking care of your job and family, no one is taking care of you.

But I propose that self-care is the key to a good work-life balance. Maybe even the most important element.

So what is work-life balance? It has been defined as “a state of equilibrium” between the demands of your career and the demands of your family life or personal life. I think this definition needs to be adjusted to “work-life balance is a state in a person’s life where they have time to prioritize themselves and at the same time have good control over their jobs and family life.” This looks different for everyone, depending on your financial situation, the help you have around, how many children you have and many other factors. It is not 50% work and 50% life and definitely doesn’t work every day. The aim is to feel balanced about our lives as a whole.

Work-life balance for international parents in Germany

As an international parent, parenting becomes even more challenging because we don’t have family and friends close by who we can lean on for support. But we are not meant to live our lives the way we did before we had kids. And we are definitely not meant to do it alone. So it is very important to build a community of friends who we can lean on for support, especially as international families living in Germany. It can be for a couple of hours of babysitting, someone to talk to or meet spontaneously for a cup of coffee or just spend time together with the kids. We live in this world of hyper-connectivity where we can talk to our friends and families across the world but are least connected with the people who are in our immediate neighborhoods. Those are the people we need in our everyday lives.

While most parents find it difficult to balance their work and family lives, this can be particularly challenging for international mothers. We are battling decades of this image of “the perfect mother”, the all-sacrificing woman who always puts herself last, works non-stop to always be there for her children and has the perfect home. At the same time, we are expected to be successful at work. Most women who look like they “have it all” will tell you that they don’t do it alone. They have built a support system to take care of some aspects of their lives or their partners take over their fair share of work.

Germany offers a lot of support for working parents, like daycare, ample paid annual leave, financial support and part-time work. If you are a mother working in Germany, you can use these offers and free up some time in your day to take care of yourself.

The minute you start talking about work-life balance, everyone will mention a to-do list. But then we start adding things to the list and it seems never ending. It becomes a constant reminder of things we haven’t managed to do. But what is important to remember is that these planning tools, apps and calendars are here to work for us and not control our lives. They are there to make our lives easier and bring more structure to them. So don’t let them control you or make you feel guilty.

Work expands to fill the time available. So if you are always available, you will always have work. This is why boundaries are so important. It can be difficult to say no, especially to our kids or people we are very close to. It can be something as small as parting with the last bite of food on your plate because your child wants to have it. Or you look at your phone and have an email and think, “Oh, I can quickly answer this one and then I’m done”. Before you know it, you’ve gone down the rabbit hole and an hour later, you’re still not done.

We also live at work, so we cannot separate the two from one another. It is important to ensure a good quality of life at work as well if we hope to have a good family life. Not only do we have to make sure we don’t bring work into our family life, it is also important to make sure we set boundaries at work. Some people say, “when I’m at work, I’m 100% at work and when I’m at home, I’m 100% at home”. This sounds nice but practically, it is just not possible for most people. You end up thinking about chores and your children at work, and you think about that exciting project or dreading a work deadline. That’s normal. But if we organize our lives in such a way that things are taken care of, we will have fewer things to worry about or distract us.

Maintaining a good balance in your life clearly has a lot of advantages. It can reduce your stress levels, improve your sleep and mood and increase energy levels. I’m sure you’re now wondering what the solution is. Of course, like most things related to parenting, there is no one-size fits all solution. You have to find what works for you. Here are some of my suggestions:

: While we can make some plans, it is important to remain flexible in our minds because life with kids is particularly unpredictable. While we might have a routine that works for us, there are bound to be days when things don’t work as we hope or plan. In this case, we have to quickly find alternate solutions and change our plans. Having a support system of friends and family in this case really helps.

 in the way you live your life. Try to be in the moment, enjoy your life and don’t get caught up in negativity. If you feel extremely unhappy, take some time to think about what needs to change so that you find happiness again and make a plan to get there.

: from work and from technology. Put down your phone, stop scrolling mindlessly on social media or binge-watching TV. I am sure you already know this, but this unhealthy use of technology is ruining our sleep and increasing our dissatisfaction.

: For some self-care could mean going out with friends for drinks, for others it could be finding time for exercise. As mothers, we are often over-stimulated by our kids, our work and all our thoughts. So self-care in this case can be anything that relaxes you. It doesn’t need to be an extra, it can also be a part of your daily routine like stepping out for a walk with your baby and getting some fresh air. For me, the best self-care is organizing my life so that I always have my evenings free to do what I want.

The main message I want to leave you with is that you are important too. You are worthy of being at the top of your list of priorities.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

If you would like to work on your own daily schedule to find daily work-life balance and time for yourself, join my workshop on March 15. In this intimate workshop, you will also have the opportunity to talk to other mothers, share, inspire and be inspired.

So much work, so little balance

My personal experiences of pregnancies and births as an expat living in Berlin

I can’t believe it’s already been almost three months since  I gave birth to our daughter Libby. She was born less than an hour after we left the house, in a candle-lit room with dimmed lights and a bathtub. Yes, it was intense, painful and exhausting but it was also beautiful, powerful and empowering. I felt extremely supported and I couldn't have wished for a better experience. Thankfully, despite Coronavirus-related obstacles, my parents were able to visit and support us before, during and after the birth, taking amazing care of us and especially of Libby's brother Robin.

We've been living in Berlin for almost three years and Robin was also born here, 2.5 years ago. His birth was also on the quicker side (around 13 hours since the contractions started until we held him in our arms in the hospital) and with the help of our wonderful doula, I managed to get through most of the contractions at home and to give birth naturally.

Obviously every woman, family, baby and birth is different, but no matter how and when it happens, giving birth is a life-changing experience on every possible level. It is also extremely unpredictable. I have had two really good and different experiences, but both times we had to deal with additional challenges that made it even harder to prepare for - with Robin we had to plan in advance for giving birth in another country without the presence and help of our immediate family and close friends, and with Libby we had to face Covid related difficulties.

Initially, I wasn't sure if I wanted to share my birthing experiences here on the blog. However, knowing firsthand how intimidating giving birth as an expat can be, I thought that if this post can help even one of you, give you information and confidence and lead you to a good birthing experience, then my work here is done.

" post, we moved to Berlin from Israel when I was seven months pregnant. Around two months before moving, I started researching and reading in relevant Facebook groups about how things work here. I contacted a Hebrew-speaking doula living in Berlin 

, and she was generous and kind enough to give me a lot of information, even though she knew that she wasn't available during our expected due date. Most of what she told me really shocked me because the Israeli way of doing things is so different from the German way. Germans love to plan ahead, while Israelis, well, not as much. Also, there is a shortage in all baby-related services, such as midwives, pediatricians and daycare centers. Therefore it is necessary to take care of the logistical side of things, prepare, and contact all the necessary people as early as possible. After that conversation, I knew that I had much work ahead of me. Even though I was still in Israel and it seemed so early and far away to me, I followed Julia's advice and signed up to give birth at 

 hospital, started looking for an English-speaking midwife and doula, and scheduled an appointment for a gynecologist in Berlin.

The second time around I was already living in Berlin, and I did all of that right after the first appointment at the gynecologist. I started with contacting our amazing doula again and got her advice regarding where to give birth this time and all other current concerns, but more on that later.

Support is not a luxury - choosing a doula

We knew quite early on that we wanted a doula. It was our first birth, neither of us knew anything about pregnancy, birth and babies and on top of that, we were new to this country and didn't speak the language. I don't remember exactly how I found 

, but I knew that I wanted her there with us right after our first video call. Her calm energy and voice gave me confidence, even though everything was still so vague.

Her presence at Robin's birth was incredibly helpful. She met us at home, rode with us on the taxi to the hospital, spoke to the staff on our behalf when we got there and almost got sent to another hospital (yeah, apparently that can happen here) and of course supported me through the pain and stress of the situation.

When we found out that I was pregnant again, we wanted to recreate as much as possible the good experience that we had the first time around, so we contacted Annie once again. We weren't sure that having her there was necessary and we wondered if it wasn't a luxury that we didn't really need this time, but I'm oh-so glad that she was there! On all pregnancy and birth-related issues, I believe that there is no such thing as "too much support". Annie knew exactly what to say and do and when to do it, in order to improve the atmosphere in the room and to support us on this crazy ride.

Even though it's not easy to move to another country mid-pregnancy, there were many advantages to giving birth in Berlin in relation to Israel, like the year-long paid maternity leave, the existence of birthing centers, the softer and more natural approach of the hospitals, and the services provided by the midwives in the prenatal and postpartum phases. In Germany, there is a continuity of care that simply doesn't exist in Israel. The midwife of your choice can do regular checkups before and after birth and in some cases, like if you choose to give birth at home, at a birthing center (Geburtshaus), or with a support of a Beleghebamme (a midwife that is certified to work in a specific hospital), the midwife could also be there for the delivery itself.

With Robin, we got to enjoy this amazing service only during the postpartum period, but it really made all the difference for us. Again, we were clueless new parents to a tiny and too sleepy baby without a support system nearby. Our wonderful midwife Stephanie helped us through breastfeeding difficulties, mastitis and even surgery. She visited us daily for two weeks, gave us a ton of advice and much-needed support.

After that experience, as we were about to become parents of two, we knew that choosing the right midwife for us was extremely important. This time I got to experience the advantages of the entire process. Because it was during Covid, Rafael couldn't join me on most of the doctor's and birthing center appointments, but still, I felt less alone during the process thanks to the amazing midwives at the 

. Even though the birth was super fast and the first few weeks went much more smoothly than with Robin, I still feel that this service is a real gift to new parents.

Location, Location, Location - Where to give birth

While growing up, I heard on many occasions that the birthing experience really depends more than anything on the hospital staff, meaning the midwives and doctors on duty, and in Israel, in most cases, that can't be predetermined. I'm somewhat a shy, quiet and introverted person, so it takes me a while to feel really comfortable with people. On top of that, as expats we face language barriers, and naturally, there is a lot of uncertainty regarding the whole situation. That's why having a familiar face and knowing who is going to be there when we arrived was extremely important for us. Like I wrote above, that could be possible with a Beleghebamme, home birth, or birthing center.

I started with contacting English-speaking Beleghebammen but they were all already fully booked on our expected due date, even though I contacted them while I was only 8 weeks along. Add to that the fact that this was in the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic, which meant that during hospital childbirths every woman could be accompanied by only one person, meaning a spouse OR a doula.


So our doula Annie suggested that we consider a birthing center, and added that I would be an ideal candidate for that kind of birth, because I gave birth to Robin naturally, without pain medication and without complications. I wasn't sure about it and neither was Rafael. We deliberated for a few days and really struggled to make a decision.

Here are a few things you need to know about birth at one of Berlin's Geburtshäuser:

There are only midwives present, which means that for every medical intervention, even Epidural, you need to be transferred to a hospital.

A large percentage of births get transferred for different reasons, for instance giving birth before 36 or after 42 weeks. There are many other reasons that make it impossible to give birth at a Geburtshaus, some are determined during pregnancy and some only during birth. In that case, you could transfer on your own, along with a midwife and your partner, to the hospital of your choice, or in case of an emergency with an ambulance to the nearest hospital.

There is no long-term stay at the birthing center. You would stay for a few hours after birth for some quality skin-to-skin time, routine check-ups for you and the baby, and then you will go back home. Your midwife will come to visit you a few hours later to check up on you all. That was perfect for us because we have a toddler at home that requires our love, attention and care, but as first-time parents, the few days we spent at the hospital after Robin's birth were really helpful. When a family room was available Rafael came to stay with us, and having the Midwives there 24/7 was very reassuring, as we didn't know how to change a diaper, how to wrap a baby like a burrito or how to deal with the breast fullness after the milk came in on the third day.

The atmosphere in the birthing center is completely different from the hospital. Don't get me wrong, the atmosphere at the hospital where I gave birth to Robin was great. They were nice, calm and relaxed, the lights were low, there was the opportunity to give birth in a bathtub (which I didn’t do back then because I arrived at the hospital fully dilated) and we were given a couple of hours in the delivery room after birth for breastfeeding and skin-to-skin time. But the birthing center is the closest thing to a home birth as it gets in terms of privecy, intimicy and a natural approach. And if you are anything like me and don't want to give birth at home, that's a good thing. It is quiet, and relaxing, the staff cosists of wonderful, caring and supportive midwives and the ambiance is very homey, cozy and warm.

To conclude, it was perfect for us but it's not for everyone. For example, I know that many Israelis consider the worst-case scenario in making birthing plans, so some would choose a large hospital with a neonatal unit. I can totally relate to that, and as I wrote, we thought about this long and hard, went back and forth, but eventually decided to go with our gut feeling and not let our fears take charge. We did however prepare ourselves for any situation and for the option of being transferred to a hospital. I don't know how I would have felt if the birth was longer and more complicated, but personally, I feel like we made the best decision for us. I was able to get all the support that I needed, give birth in the bathtub, have a couple of hours of quiet time before going home, ,and celebrating the birth with a small and beautiful ceremony with our doula and midwives.

In between lockdowns - Giving birth during Covid

When I first found out about the pregnancy, way back in the summer of 2020, I couldn't imagine that I would have a "corona birth". But there we were, in the middle of another lockdown and a lot of uncertainty regarding hospitals, flight and travel regulations.


The pandemic hasn’t impacted us dramatically, however, it did give us another reason to choose to give birth at a birthing center and not in a hospital. During pregnancy it meant that besides two specific examinations (Frühdiagnostik and Fein Diagnostik) Rafael couldn't accompany me to any of my many appointments.

Other than that, we had to endure the added stress and uncertainty brought by this pandemic, especially in regards to our main support system - my parents, who wished to travel to Germany from Israel for the birth. Obviously, traveling during this time was somewhat impossible and up until the flight itself, we weren't completely sure that they would be able to make it in time. When Robin was born we were here alone, and really loved having the space to figure out our new reality and the dynamic of our new family together. But with Libby everything was different and we had Robin to think about.

So there we were, with a 2.5 years old toddler that, thanks to the Coronavirus, went through months in and out of daycare, without spending quality time with other kids and adults and not used to being taken care of by anyone but us.

We had a plan B (brother-in-law) and a plan C (babysitters) but not knowing who would be able to be there for him at the moment of truth really kept us awake at night with worry.

Eventually and against all odds my parents did make it as planned, and landed in Germany three weeks before the birth. Even though we had planned it this way, we didn't even realize how much we would need their help and support during these days. When we arrived home after the birth my mom and I had the most amazing and emotional moment, one that I will never forget, and on top of spending time with Robin and providing him with much-needed attention, they helped us with grocery shopping, cooking and all household related chores. We, like most expats, are not used to having this type of support on a daily basis, so we really don't take it for granted, especially during Covid.

A new set of worries - giving birth for the second time

Like I wrote above, we worried who would be there with Robin during the birth but that was only the tip of the iceberg of our concerns. We worried how he would take this whole idea of a new baby sister, wondered if and how we could take care of a toddler and a newborn at the same time, and thought about how to best prepare him, and ourselves, for it.

We bought a couple of books on the subject, talked to him about it and saw a zoom lecture by Israeli parenting expert Einat Nathan on the subject (her wonderful 

 is now available in English by the way). We also took care of all the material things - sorted out our basement, got additional second-hand clothing, organized the storage in the nursery and around the apartment, did initial shopping for the first few weeks, and, of course, organized the bag for the birth. I listened to an Israeli 

 about pregnancy and birth and continued to follow relevant profiles on Instagram with excellent and generous content such as 

 (all in Hebrew). In other words, we did everything we could to minimize the feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.

Given that this was our second child (and third pregnancy) we already knew what to expect, but somehow that didn't make things easier. My body still remembered the pain of the first birth and the physical and mental difficulties from the continuous lack of sleep. So to an extent, it was even harder. On the other hand, I thought of this as my last pregnancy and was determined to enjoy that feeling as much as possible. I always wanted two kids, so even though we knew first hand that not all pregnancies end in a beautiful and healthy baby, I tried to stay positive and optimistic, not worry too much and cherish this amazing thing that is happening to me, my body and my family.

We are very aware that every child is different and Libby has already proven that. Most things that worked with Robin as a newborn don't work with her and getting to know her is a process on its own. They have different temperaments and characters and that's perfectly okay. As second-time parents we are more laid back, we know that every behavior can change from one day to the next and that all phases eventually pass. So we go with the flow, get to know her and our new family dynamic and do the best we can.

My pregnancy and birth in Berlin

My blogging journey through relocation and motherhood
one

This is the first English post on my blog! It's been a long time in the making, because it took me a while to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it.

My previous blog post was published more than two years ago on my old blog, which was written only in Hebrew. Before moving to Berlin and becoming a mom (in that order) I used to publish new posts every week or two, in addition to posting on social media and writing content for design magazines and clients in the field.

Not having anything to write about wasn't the reason I stopped writing. I could have written about motherhood, about relocation, about motherhood on relocation, about Berlin, about motherhood in Berlin on a relocation, about design in Berlin... You get my point.

But my head and my heart were somewhere else.

That was my answer to every question and concern regarding me going back to work. In calculating that statement I took under consideration the following:

1) We relocated while I was over seven months pregnant with our first born son Robin.

2) I quickly discovered that in Germany new parents get a year of Elternzeit (the local and much better term for "maternity leave" which means in English - parental time).

3) Another fact I discovered quite early on, was that finding a place in daycare for a baby in Berlin is a full time job, and not an easy one, which made me realize that maybe he won't start attending exactly when my Elternzeit ended.

At the time (summer of 2018), I was half kidding about that 2020 statement. I didn't know how much time off I would need or want. But as it turned out, my calculations were pretty accurate, and that was even before Covid-19 came into our lives and before I found out that I was pregnant again. As it turns out, I wasn’t exaggerating at all, in fact here we are, “talking” in 2021.

In Israel, where we're originally from, the paid maternity leave is only three months. I remember a specific moment when Robin was exactly three months old. I held him in my arms, looked at him and wondered what we would have done if we had stayed in Israel. At that moment I knew that we were exactly where we needed to be at this point in our lives. I was happy and relieved that I didn't need to go back to work and could hold off on all work and career related decisions.

As time passed and Robin grew up, slowly but surely, but the thoughts regarding 'what’s next' were still pretty vague. Not because I needed to reinvent myself or because I wasn’t content with my career, but because I was completely and entirely focused on him. 24/7 with little to no help, due to living in another continent from our family + an international pandemic, which kept us apart for an entire year (and counting…). 

I listened to podcasts about parenting and entrepreneurship, where women were somehow magically doing it all and starting businesses while still on maternity leave. But that wasn’t me. “Motherhood was what drove me” I heard on one Israeli podcast, but my experience couldn’t have been more different. All I wanted was a good night's sleep and a few moments for myself. Nothing more. After several attempts of conducting phone interviews while he was playing beside me or writing while he was sleeping on my lap, I came to the conclusion that this is not how I wanted to spend my Elternzeit.

I almost gave up on finding him a daycare spot, but when Robin turned one he started attending kindergarten and began the acclimation process, which takes usually between 4-8 weeks in Germany. This gradual process was great for everyone involved, after all I was used to spending every minute of every day with him, just like he was with me. Five minutes alone became ten, an hour became two, and six weeks later I found myself with a little “me time” on my hands.

Then Covid-19 happened and everything changed again.

I am not sure why, but it threw me off even more than the Elternzeit did, and for a moment there I completely lost all connection to the “working, writing, creating and designing me”. I forgot what I liked to do and why, lost track of what I’m good at and wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with myself when it was all over. That was sort of a “rock bottom” moment for me, professionally speaking, but somehow, with great help from my husband Rafael, family, colleagues and friends, I found my way back.

Now, as if this emotional rollercoaster that I (and the entire world) have been on wasn’t enough, I am starting another full year of Elternzeit after giving birth to our sweet baby girl Libby. And of course there are still many concerns regarding the pandemic and no clear end to that in sight. So it seems the skies are not quite clearing up just yet, but I am going to use this blog as a way to see the sun that is still well hidden behind the clouds. After two years of feeling like I am on the outside looking in, I am jumping back in the game. It feels a little strange, like learning a skill all over again, but it’s slowly happening.

As I always did, I will continue to observe, write and create. Like I wrote in the text on my about page - design is in the center of everything that I do, it is the language that all of my different projects speak and the focus of every piece of content that I write. Being a designer and a writer allows me to explore the field from different angles, inside and out, and to keep learning and expanding my horizons.

This new and improved blog is a major step for me! I am looking forward to expanding my community and bringing my ideas and creativity to a larger audience. Giving birth again has changed everything for us and I can't even tell you how tomorrow is going to look like. But I invite you all to join me on this ride, share your thoughts and pitch your ideas. Soon I will add a page with the main services that I can provide, in the meantime feel free to contact me for any question or offer.

Category: Personal